I'm not preaching or up on my high horse. Any time I give a life lesson, it is usually because somewhere along the way, I made the mistake myself...
A few weeks ago, there were several teachers gone on one particular day, so I was given the task to watch over my classes plus two others each hour. In this case, the best scenario is to gather them in the auditorium and let them study for finals, or show movies. Being the last few weeks of school, things are very crazy, and I didn't have the time to look for a movie that was educational and full of leadership metaphors, so I went with the standard stack of musicals that I have in my possession for my show choir class. Knowing the bulk of the students wouldn't go for "West Side Story" or "Oklahoma," I pulled out two of my more up-to-date and hip musicals - "Grease" and "Hairspray."
Most people would look at these as puff pieces, but truly being a teacher who has to pull a life lesson out of any material to make it a teachable moment at the drop of a hat, I was able to make some connections. Actually, it had been so long since I sat down to watch them both, I had forgotten how many great lessons were there. Of course you have to dig through some of the crap to get there, but there truly are some fine moments of teenage clarity.
For example, and the one focused on today, in Grease, the scene at the pep rally when Rizzo sets Sandy up to run into Danny as a surprise to them both. When they see each other the "love" there is obvious, but Danny quickly remembers that the other T-Birds are behind him, and he can't ruin his reputation for being the bad guy, so he turns into a total jerk. This example is a little on-the-nose, I'm aware, but it is amazing the amount of times this exact behavior happens in schools and in life everyday. (Of course the ending kind of negates this teachable moment, but I tried.)
Why is it that humans are this way? The need to be accepted is so great, that a person will change their whole personality just to be accepted by a person or a group of people. The cool part is when they change their personality to better themselves to fit in with a group of positive well-meaning kids. Unfortunately this is not the case most of the time. Most of the time, kids with huge potential and seemingly successful futures allow their need for acceptance to change their behavior into lackadaisical, nonproductive or disrespectful actions. It is so amazing when this happens. It is heartbreaking and disappointing, especially when you know that the student is going against everything that they believe just to fit in.
Of course, there are bigger things that they can get into as far as this goes. Peer pressure for years has been linked to bullying, drinking and drug abuse. While serious, those things aren't as clear and present as the daily changes in attitude and actions toward other friends, and adults. These are the kinds of things that begin to form us into the type of people we will be. It is bad on both sides. If you are the type of person that changes your true self to something negative just to impress a crowd, what will you be like as a parent, or employee, or just a person in general. The other side of this though is the person who knows they have that kind of power over people. If you know you can convince people to do things with your very presence, why wouldn't you choose to promote positive things? After-all shouldn't we want good things to happen around us?
It happens in the smallest things, just a small eye roll and comment like "this is stupid" or "really?" by the right person in the group can make the greatest and most positive of leaders decide not to participate or enjoy an activity that they normally would be so happy to do. For instance, when I was dating my first husband, he made it very clear that the singing that I did so often and enjoyed so much, was at the least not cool, and at the most something he didn't want me to do. I was "in love" head-over-heels. So I didn't sing. I taught voice lessons, and on occasion was asked to sing in church. Even then there was a discomfort about it and there was never a compliment. In the 5th year of marriage, I finally started to perform more and more. It was not appreciated by any means. How could I change something that was so much a part of my true self without holding a grudge or at the very least a bad taste. Eventually, as I added more and more performance opportunities to my life, things grew more and more stressful, and in time he came to ask me to choose. If I was going to keep singing, I would have to leave.
The previous story is totally my fault.I knew from the very beginning that I shouldn't change who I was to please him. It truly made me very bitter from the very start. I shouldn't have put myself through the misery, or him through the pain in the end, because anyone who knows me knows that singing and performing for me are a "need," not a want or a whimsy, it is ingrained in every fiber of my being. But, all things happen for a reason, and I have two absolutely wonderful children from that time, and some good memories with some good friends as well.
That being said, I wish I could step in and save some of the kids I know, from the pain of changing themselves into something they aren't for the acceptance or friendships of others. As we all know, however, all of us, especially kids have to learn things for ourselves all too often. I know I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had listened to my elders more. We are all guilty of trying to act "cool" just to fit in. It is an age-old problem, and I don't know that there is a solution, except to just constantly remind kids that positive peer pressure can be just as effective as negative peer pressure, and anyone who makes you feel like the good things you are doing are stupid or not cool enough, are the kinds of people who you should be trying to influence, not letting them change who you are.
"The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas, can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think Big Anyway!"
Paradoxical Commandments
Now - go out there and change the world my butterflies!!!
Sweet B
